Saying Good-bye

Five years ago this week, I faced the hardest good-bye I have ever had to say – at the side of my mother, who was making her journey from her life on this earth to her heavenly home almost five months to the day after receiving her prognosis of two to five months. I still easily remember those final months and days spent together. I see them now for the blessing that they were – an opportunity to say good-bye in the best possible way.

The truth is, of course, that good-byes are a part of life for everyone – no one is immune, no one is exempted. But perhaps that is especially true for missionaries, who sometimes seem to be surrounded by good-byes at every turn. And no matter what continent we find ourselves on, there is always someone to miss on the other side of the world.

I’ve already seen the struggle my own children have experienced with this. Tearful good-byes to grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, best friends, and all the people you have known your entire life. Months of loneliness while building new relationships. The joys of new friendships. More tear-filled good-byes as the parents of new friends are called to serve in different places. Wonderful visits back to the US, at the end of which come more good-byes. And every time we say good-bye, we face the temptation to harden a little part of our hearts to strengthen us against future pain.

At some point each one of us, ex-pat or not, faces the question: 

Is it worth it? Is it worth the investment of my heart into relationships which may only be temporary?

As I think back to my time with my mom, of course I say, “Yes! It is definitely worth it to have the relationship, even if it comes to an end!” But of course, it’s my mom. However, I do think that through the experience of saying good-bye to my mom, God was able to teach me some truths about ALL good-byes – about all of life, for all of us. Truths about hope.

God is faithful and good (Lamentations 3:19-25)

They may seem cliché and overused, but the verses of Lamentations really are true. “Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed…” (3:22) There have been times when I thought I would be completely overwhelmed with the grief of saying good-bye to my mom – even now, five years later, I still feel it. And there have been times when I have grieved the loss of people and places and things in the US as strongly as I have grieved her. Sometimes it is so strong it takes your breath away, like a sucker punch to the gut, and you wonder if you will ever be able to draw a deep breath again.

But praise the Lord, His compassion never fails. The end always comes, it is true. We see it approaching, we do our best to make the most of every moment until it arrives, but the endings always come. And in those days, we find that “the Lord is good” (3:25). We find that “His compassions never fail” (3:22). We find that “the Lord gives strength to His people – the Lord blesses His people with peace” (Psalm 29:11). The beautiful word of God is absolutely filled with encouragement for our hearts as we say our final farewells.

God has a purpose in the process of grief and good-byes (Romans 5:3-5)

Sometimes in the midst of grief, it is easy to think that our troubles are pointless – that they are devoid of any possible meaning. But Paul reminds us in Romans that our times of trials work in us endurance and strength of character. When faced with the throes of suffering, we seldom stop to wonder, “How is God wanting to grow and strengthen me through this time?” And this isn’t surprising, as the emotion of what we are experiencing can easily overpower us.

But if our time of grief – or in particular, a season of good-bye – takes place over a period of time, God has given us an amazing opportunity to lean into Him and become more. More like Jesus. More filled with faith and trust in Him. More in tune with His grace and mercy.

While I certainly wish that I never had to experience the grief of my mother dying, I cannot deny that it changed me. It was definitely a time when I was forced to rely on God – everything that happened during those months was completely out of my power. And in that dependence on Him, He showed me the truth of His character again and again.

He is faithful. He is loving. He gives grace upon grace. He understands my weakness. He feels my grief. He is always with me.

These lessons and many more I carry with me every day of my life. And they have enabled me to deal more compassionately with others – to have empathy and love for those suffering. In 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Paul says that God “comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others” by being able to give them “the same comfort God has given us” (4). And there really is something beautiful to be found in having someone who simply understands. In knowing you are not alone in your experience. We don’t have to look far to find others who have experienced the pain of loss and good-byes. What a joy to be able to comfort each other.

Live in the present, not the future (James 4:13-17 and Matthew 6:25-34)

Make the most of every moment, of every opportunity. Don’t think of things as “lasts” – these scriptures remind us that we don’t know the future, and this robs us of the joy of today. 

Was I aware that those months brought with them our last Christmas together, mom’s last birthday here on earth, last conversations, and so many other “lasts”? Sure I was. But if I had spent my time focusing on the “lasts,” I would have been overwhelmed with sorrow, and I would have missed out on the joy of those moments.

One of my favorite memories is of our last Valentine’s Day together. We seemed to be in need of a never-ending supply of Ghirardelli raspberry filled dark chocolates, and we binge watched romantic chick flicks together and laughed and talked. I lived in the present that day, and every day leading up to her death, and in return I carry in my heart the most beautiful of memories that her death could not steal from me.

Christ himself lived in a season of good-bye. From the first call of his disciples – his friends – he knew that he had only a limited time with them. And he determined to make the most of every moment he had. I wonder how Peter and John and the others might have been different had they heeded Jesus’ words that he would die – had they lived fully with the knowledge that their time with Jesus was limited and they needed to completely engage in the moments they had with Him.

Now, whenever the days are looming over us with approaching good-byes, I remind my children not to focus on what is coming, but to just be together. Don’t avoid people because you want to avoid the pain of the coming loss; trust me, you’ll feel pain either way. How much better it is to preface the pain with the joy of relationship. You’ll be thankful for every moment of joy and every memory you make.

Are you experiencing a season of good-byes?

Send me a message - I'd be glad to pray for you.